Misfortune Tellers
My website is still unstable, and I'm overhearing Sis on my grandma's television, so, yeah, I'm having a bad day.

What brought the rant against the dumbest show on Philippine TV? Well, my grandmother's been watching Sis out of no other options. Her tv set's reception for Channel 2 is fuzzy, so she sits through Sis, the dumbest show on Earth, every morning, and we actually bond over how awful it is. She hates it just as much, and she often gives snarky comments on the celebrities, and the hostesses. I swear, Sis is giving the FIlipino people AIDS via cathode-ray tube (or should I say Plasma and LCD?).

Today, since it's their first episode for the year, they have a couple of celebrities over who are in desperate need for attention to promote some project or another. I bet you 500 pesos, the month wouldn't end without Marky Cielo's family going on the show again to emote how much they missing their dead breadwinner. Anyway, the celebritards, in exchange for the air time to promote their projects, must sit through the show with fortune tellers. Why? Because it's the start of the year, bitches, and it's the only time of the year that fortune tellers make any money.

I FUCKING HATE FORTUNE TELLERS.

The fortune tellers the show got were obviously BULLSHITTING left, right, and center. And of course, the Sis hostesses, being dumb fucks that they are, were in a state of constant awe.

Numerologist-Feng Shui-Zodiac "Expert": Since you were born under the sign of the dragon, you must be careful in doing business. You must think it really through. 

Carmina: Ah, so, that means you shouldn't be rash about it! (Thank you, Carmina Villaruel, for paraphrasing what we just heard. All forms of comprehension in the civilized world would break down if Carmina Villaruel wouldn't paraphrase things WE JUST FUCKING HEARD.)

Janice and Gelli: (Gives a collective "wow!" at the uncanny science of prediction that was demonstrated for them).

OMG. Can you be any more of a fucktard? First of all, I think ANYONE born in ANY SIGN should be fucking careful in doing ANY BUSINESS, motherfucker. It shouldn't take an expert to know that before investing your money, you should have really thought it through. This is no mystic shit, THIS IS CALLED COMMON SENSE.

You know, if I'M hosting and producing my own talk show, I'd have a totally fake fortune teller come on air with celebrities, and I'd WRITE A FUCKING SCRIPT FOR MY PSYCHIC EXPERT to give my celebritard guests.

These are the following predictions I'd write to get some priceless reactions from my celebritard guests:

"You're going to get knocked up this year. Again. Apparently, you have the learning faculty of a doorknob and the fertility of the soil, Jennilyn Mercado."

"Your career's getting nowhere. It's time to make a sex tape, leak it, and cry about it as you promote your new soft-porn movie."

"Your son's been dead for quite some time now, but maybe we can still milk some money out of him. Why don't we dig him up, put him on strings, and make him dance for one last time?"

"Yes, Marianne, you're made of awesome, and you're quite a proper little bitch off-cam. But you're singlehandedly making money for your network, so kudos, kid. Who needs good taste anyway?"

"Yes, Chris Tiu, we all know how you don't like being in showbiz anyway."

"Very Shocking News Bulletin: The very classy, well-bred, and educated Annabelle Rama has a feud with someone. (Beat) Happy National Sarcasm Day!"

And here are some showbiz predictions for 2009 that don't take a psychic to tell: (bookmark this page, and bet your ass they WILL come true)

A reality TV contestant would announce his/her interest to run for public office for 2010.

Some very important personality will die of old age, some forgettable starlet will die of overdose, and Willie will get someone pregnant.

Snookie Serna will want more attention. She'll put a gun against her head on live national TV, but she's so stupid, she'll shoot and miss.

Kris Aquino is so smart, she'll do something immoral, we all cry about it, and then forgive her, and love her still. What a whirlwind!

The hottest male celebrity will be rumored to be gay. He'll publicly admit an illegitimate son to off set the gay rumors. A few months later, he'll be on national tv saying he broke up with his loveteamate-slash-girlfriend because his religion forbids him to have sexual congress outside of marriage. Uhm, hello, how do you explain your son? Immaculate conception? Great job, virgin Mary.

Joey De Leon will pick a fight with Willie Revillame. Willie Revillame still makes a million pesos every two days. Joey De Leon drops the best punchlines while Willie Revillame buys a yacht, a helicopter, several imported sportscar, the virginity of a hundred 12-year old girls, and a palace in Bhutan. Somehow, we all know the fight's not a tie between these two.

Regine Velasquez gains weight. Still not preggers. Makes snarky comment about fresh, new talents, but she'll laugh it off a few days later, and deny she was ever insecure. She gains some more weight, and the cycle begins again.

Charice Pempengco goes to the White House to sing for the Obamas, goes to the Vatican to sing for the Pope, goes to London to sing for the Queen, then goes home and double-teams herself with two black dildoes she bought in New York.

Roxanne Barcelo gives showbiz another shot. Maybe this time she gets lucky? Probably not. Someone, please give Roxanne Barcelo a trade just so she can have something to fall back on after her umpteent attempt at showbiz fails, please? Can we all chip in and start a fundraiser for Roxanne Barcelo's educational plans? Maybe she'll be a fantastic dental technician, or one of those prescriptionist jobs?

And we all still pay attention to these celebritards make total fools of themselves because it's mindless fun!!!

Happy New Year, everyone!!!!