"...but yours is the Biguerlai," I told my sister.

Summertime, and the living's supposed to be easy. That is if you're not constantly reminded of how fast you're bloating in your new life as a working drone. My mom, my aunt, my grandmother, and generally, people I meet on a daily basis are endlessly amused by how much weight I can gain overnight.

I'm saying that just so you know who drove me to Biguerlai.

Biguerlai is a brand of slimming tea distributed by the confusingly named "Allied Express Int'l Import Export Inc.". According to the label on the package, each tea bag is composed of 75% Senna fruits and 25% Senna leaves. NutraSanus has an interesting brief introduction to the history of the wonder shrub Senna. Biguerlai's manufacturers are kind enough to inform us that their product is basically a laxative, and warned against overdosing on their product. Overdosing on tea?

Biguerlai tastes succinctly like rotten wood. Drinking Biguerlai tea leaves an aftertaste in your mouth like you just got your head deep into some damp weed, and marsh water. Ever imagined how the color dark green would taste like? That, my friends, is exactly how Biguerlai tastes.

The tea's laxative effect would take effect after ten to 12 hours. Take a cup of Biguerlai before going to sleep, and you'll wake up to greet the fresh new day with the need to crap the hell out of your ass. The road to a slim figure is paved with Biguerlai, and you know you're on that motherfucking path when you start waking up in bed and it feels like some 7-foot tall extraterrestial impregnated you last night, and your freaking love child is clawing its way out of your anus. If you're Catholic, you'll probably justify the unbearable pain as your just punishment for giving in to your earthly desires of having a covetous body. It feels like somebody sucker punched you in the stomach... from within.

Then, as the pain reaches its critical point, you will start to feel a tearing running up from your ass through your sphincter, all the way up your small intestine. This is called shit. This shit is everything you ate last night, you filthy pig, and it's making it's merry way out of your system, thanks to Biguerlai, and it's dragging along every one it meets on its journey. Your shit is now joined by your crap, as well as by some other content they picked up along the way.

You'll be relieved, of course, once your shit's dropped and flushed away. You clean yourself up, you stand up, and, hello, more crap.

Biguerlai is a crafty sonofabitch. After it's initial launch, you'll feel several aftershocks within the hour. Biguerlai-induced crapping is as persistent as credit companies on your telephone, but not as shitty.

That much hard work means the "slimming" part of the whole Biguerlai thing's gotta be working, right? Right?

You look at how much crap you've crapped floating around in the bowl. As you reach for the lever to flush it all away, you can't help but get a little philosophical, and question your choice: is it worth it?

Later, as the dinner table's cleared of used plates, you find yourself starting to fill a kettle with water to boil. You don't have to do this, you tell yourself; then, No pain, no gain. You turn the stove on, unsure which one's the bigger lie.  

-----------------------------

VISPRINT Enterprises is holding a meet and greet for their 9 book creators. Dubbed as 9-in-1 Kolektib Intelidyens, the event will be held on May 24, 2008, 3pm, at the Cubao Shoe Expo in Shop 33. For more details, check out their blogsite.

The sky is a gradient of evening blue and morning gray; the new day offers a fresh promise of getting old dreams broken. In my pocket, my mobile phone sits still.

Since it's been a while since I posted my photo here for the enjoyment of my haterzz (yo!), indulge yourself with this:



And for the record, the shirt's copy didn't come from me. I wanted to have "GOT BALLS?" on the shirt, but we have to consider that our target audience are kids. Them pussies.

Hey, guys. Visual Print Enterprises will be holding a book signing/book launching event at the Cubao Shoe Expo on May 24, 2008 @ 3pm. Please show your love. This will be my first book signing, ever.

Oh, and I'll be doing something really special for the event. I mean, of course, it's always magic when I go onstage, but this time, this time it's gonna be great.

Mark that on your Starbucks planner (for those of you who are still using yours), kids.



Free Knuckle Sandwiches Update: Two people from the office asked, "Where's the sandwich?" after seeing the sign I made. Oh, what fun.

Well, if you saw my video for FREE KNUCKLE SANDWICHES, then you must have noticed the link there announcing "SiegeMalvar.net".

See, currently, SiegeMalvar.net redirects here to my LiveJournal while I'm in the process of building up SiegeMalvar.net. Will I be bowing out of Lj soon? Nah. I can't miss out on all the fun you guys are having, so, I'll still be maintaining this journal just because I looooove reading your posts!

What that means, of course, is that you don't have to visit SiegeMalvar.net to get my updates. Although, SiegeMalvar.net will be the blog I'll be pimping the hell out to everyone, so, for a more dynamic discussion, flaming, trolling, lurking, whatever, go to SiegeMalvar.net (when it's up), and bookmark it.

SiegeMalvar.net will have several subsites (or at least, blogs; I'm in the process of relearning Adobe Dreamweaver coz the last time I used it, it was still Macromedia Dreamweaver) including one for "Not Quite Unreal", and... JHUNALYN! Yey! Updates! Never before read episodes! It's tough coz I'm learning this whole website thing from the ground up. Big thanks goes to my officemate, one of the blogging pioneers (2nd BLOG EVER SET UP IN THE PHILIPPINES, or something like that) Euri Daranthome.

I was thinking I'll have such a hard time setting up my own website, while keeping my head from getting dragged down the deep by the 10-to-7 ball-and-chain I call a job, but, thanks to Wordpress.Org, it's fairly easy. The hard part, I think, is in generating content for the blogs. I have some pretty ambitious plans for the blogs. I want people--readers of Not Quite Unreal, Jhunalyn, Siege Malvar--to spend at least ten minutes of their time reading on their first visit.

So, while I'm working on that, please check out Games Under Siege, a blog I set up for my work here in dme. It may sound like a marketing blog, but it's not, really. If you check it out, you'll agree with me.

Here's another interesting mobiusgames-UNRELATED blog worth checking out. See, I contribute there! I'm friends with the people working on this blog, and it's great how they produce fun stuff AD-FREE.

Wow. Look at all that blogs I'm providing content for! Hahaha...

CLICK HERE to watch SIEGE MALVAR's Free Knuckle Sandwich Campaign

steady_lang posted a video of the Personal Space Violators.

How about some FREE RICE, Manila? Isn't that what we really need?

Or Make Introduction of the Self to Have Made Popularize on YouTube.com

My boss shared me this link in the middle of the working day, and since then, my day is never complete without watching VJ Greg go "mmmmm" at the thought of boys in "bikenis".

Previously: A Poem for Mother's Day.

I was thinking in the shower, maybe, since there is no apparent way of arguing against Mommy Logic (which gets crazier as it evolves into Granny Logic), then maybe, the only way to fight their unique brand of logic is to counter it with... an equally incoherent system of fallacies posing as wisdom: Mommy Logic 2.0.

Maybe there should be an agency of Mommy Lawyers who you can call in order to argue your case against your own mother.  Fight fire with fire, and watch the sparks fly.

Only one gifted with the logic of mothers can argue against such gems as:

"Ano bang mapapala mo sa kababasa mo? Lumabas ka nga't makipagbasketbol sa kapitbahay!"

5 mins later: "Basketbol, basketbol, hala! Sige, sayangin mo buhay mo sa basketbol na yan! Imbes na pag-aaral ang atupagin mo!"

and the disturbingly gross: "Lulunukin ko na lang, niluluwa ko pa para lang may makain kayong mga anak ko!" Eww. Just go ahead, mom. Indulge. We really don't want a piece of porkchop you've chewed up already.

and the pre-cursor to all things emo: "Patayin nyo na lang ako! Mga walang utang na loob!!! PATAYIN NYO NA LANG AKO!!!" Oh, so subtle.

and, for the win, an entire directory of passive-aggressive You-Don't-Love-Your-Mother classics such as:

"Sige, wag kayong kumain, porque hindi masarap ang luto ko. Dyan na lang kayo kina Tita [Insert Kapitbahay Here With Aspirations of Winning the Bree Van De Kamp Award for 2008, 2009, 2010], dahil si Tita [Bree Van De Kamp Awardee for 2007, 2006, 2005] masarap na masarap na masarap magluto."

"Siguro, pag matanda na kami ng tatay nyo, iiwan nyo na lang kaming tumanda. Mamatay kaming kaming dalawa lang, malayo sa inyo, sa mga pamilya nyo, sa mga anak nyong magaganda. Hay, buhay..."

And of course, the unwittingly self-deprecating, self-referential:

"Putangina mo kang bata ka! Manang-mana ka sa pinagmanahan mo! Sino ba nagpalaki sayo?"

It's evenings like this that make one long for the coldness that a strange city offers to young men like me.  My pants remain dry in the ankles, and I want to step out for a drink. Partying is overrated, no one gets drunk alone no mo'. Solitude is comforting, only if you don't bring along your inner child.   

Actually, I've forgotten all about this poem until someone left an anonymous comment on it.

Please check out this poem I wrote two years ago, and tell me what you think.

[REPOST FROM HERE]

Ina

[para sa lahat ng ina,
maging lola man siya,
ate, o tiya]

sa pagsilang sa mundong ito
sa pagtimpla ng gatas, sa pagpunas ng tae
sa bawat mura, sa bawat hele
sa lahat ng homework ko na ginawa mo
sa lahat ng homework na ginawa mo at nazero ako
sa lahat ng notebooks na pinalastikcoveran
sa lahat ng matabang na sinigang
at maalat na tinola
sa mga kaaway kong binatukan mo
sa mga kalaro kong pinagbintangan mo
sa pasaload, kahit di kailangan
sa pag-unawa, kung kinakailangan
sa lahat ng kurot na nagmarka,
sa hita, tadyang, at sa puso pa
sa lahat ng syotang ayaw mo
sa lahat ng anak ng kapitbahay na gusto mo
sa mga school projects na naiwan sa bahay
sa mga deadlines na nahabol mo
sa pagtulug-tulugan sa aking pagkupit sa iyong bulsa
sa pagtanggal sa lahat ng mantsa
sa pagluha dahil nagpapa-awa
sa pag-iyak sa saya
sa lahat ng inutang na birthday
sa pag-utang para may pang-birthday
sa pagsiksik ng bimpo sa likuran ko
sa pakikinig sa extension phone ng patago
sa lahat ng hirit na passive-aggressive
sa lahat ng dakdak na anal-retentive
sa lahat ng lambing na kunwari'y utos
at sa lahat ng utos na kunwari'y lambing
sa pag-pupuyat pag ako'y ginagabi
sa pagpapapayat nang si erpats ang ginagabi
sa lahat ng pagbubulag-bulagan,
pag-bibingi-bingihan,
hindi mo man kayang mag-pipi-pipihan
sa pagkampi sa favorite mong anak pag nag-aaway kami
sa pagfavorite sa akin pag wala kang kakampi
sa lahat ng yosi na nakita sa bag at isinoli sa dating lalagyan
sa lahat ng tattoo'ng pinag-awayan
sa bawat pagpapatawad sa lahat ng sorry
at sa lahat ng pagpapatawad na di na kinailangan ng sorry
sa lahat ng pagkakataon na di namin nasabing i-love-you

maraming salamat.

==XTSiege==
Mother's Day, 2006

##########
repost with due credits, pls.

Hey, everyone. I've never been known for my humility anyway, so let me froudly present to you this exclusive teaser trailer I made for our company.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE SIEGE MALVAR PRODUCED TEASER TRAILER FOR DEKARON.

See, I know that summer I spent taking that Mowelfund workshop on film making will come in handy.

Siege: (Entering the "game room" in near panic) Quick. My boss is coming over for your interview. Don't say a word about "us", ok?

JR: (Dead pan) What?

Siege: What happened in Vegas, stays in Vegas, ok?

JR: (Dead pan) I've never been to Vegas.

Siege: And what we did in Bora, you know, with all the (lewd hand movements)... that never happened, ok?

JR: (Dead pan) We've never been to Bora together.

Siege: (sighs in relief) Good. You're on with the program.

JR: You do know the door's open, and everybody can hear you outside, right?

Both laughs as The Boss enters.

La lang. My friend JR came to the office for an interview yesterday, and the thing is, what I like about JR is that it always feels like we're following the script of an HBO comedy whenever we talk, online or in real life. You know how some things are funny, that they can't be scripted? Well, with JR and me, it's like, we're so scripted, and that makes it so funny. Complete with comedic timing from both players pa, ha.

JR: I'm really into these lip balms.

Me: What, no MAC?

JR: No. Nothing too gay. We wouldn't want that now, would we?

Me: Of course not. (Pause) (Snorts) FAGS!

The people of the idyllic island of Lesbos want to stop all the mockery. Yes, they're Lesbians, and they've been proudly so for thousands of years.

So, will we please refer to homosexual women as something else? Like, seriously guys?

Now that we can't call homosexual women "lesbians/lesbos", what do you think is the best term to capture the subliminal beauty of girl-to-girl pussy eating? Stone grillers? Tivolinas? Cookie Monsters? Pekpek Jammers?

Ah, how we miss the good ole days when we can simply refer to them-- fondly, succinctly, aptly-- as kundoktors.

Let's take a break from all the Roles: A Not Quite Unreal pimping because I'm considering putting up a Not Quite Unreal site once the sales reach a certain figure. I don't want to get overexposed naman, and overwhelm people with too much presence.

So, let's talk about my day job instead.

Currently, I'm working for a games publishing company as a marketing ninja. It's all covert, all secret, all shady stuff. Apparently, that's what I'm good at. I deal with lies, and follow one basic tenet: all warfare is based on deception (--that's from my man Sun Tzu, right there).

I know, I know, everyone's expecting me to join the academe as an instructor of sorts, a learned sage of the page to the stage or some other hustler of that sort. It's a noble road, the life of an academic. When I've dealt with my demons, and I've come to terms with what I know and can share, perhaps I'll take that course. I'll join my peers in the academe and teach. It's something I know I will have to do eventually.

But for now, there's this.

My friend from the boulevard avenue's wife offered me a gig with these as bait: money, writing, games. She had me at "money".

It's the perfect gig! I get paid to write about playing online games. Those are three things I love to do in one sentence: playing online games, writing, and getting paid. Long time friends know for a fact that I've been a big online game addict since it boomed four years ago; with all my previous posts about my favorite MMO games, I don't think anyone can accuse me of selling out to an industry I don't believe in. In fact, I've pretty much been writing about online games for quite some time now, and the only difference is now, I'm getting a paycheck for it.

How's it like working for a games publishing company? It's so much fun!

For one thing, it's casual Fridays every day! No dress code, so we pretty much come in clothes we're most comfortable with. Well, that does take a lot of fun out of dressing up, though. And we get unlimited subscription to all our games!

Sometimes, I bring my laptop to work just so I can play our games while I work on my desk's PC. That's how hardcore I am. I'm a freaking control center here. And it's all part of my job! I don't now if I've stressed this enough: I'm getting paid to play online games. If I don't play our games, I run out of thing to write, hence, my productivity drops.

And, if you've noticed, I get all the time in the world to blog, scour YouTube.com, launch a marketing campaign for ROLES, read books, write sequels to ROLES, and train my Pokemons.



So, do you wanna have my job, chumps? Well, you can't have it. It's mine. We're offering several positions, though. For more details, visit my Games Under Siege blog. I think this is a wonderful opportunity for people who are into online gaming.

"ROLES" is a roman-a-clef of this generation's social awareness, its aspirations, its pretensions. It's the first in a series of books set in the not quite fictional school of The Montessori of Asia and the Pacific, a co-educational institution owned and operated by the collective known as The Board*.

Between The Board and the student body stands Prima Maadera**, M.A.P.'s high school principal who must maintain a delicate balancing act to keep the world around her from tearing apart.

This school year, the world of the young, the rich, and the screwed-up is about to get more scandalous with the arrival of the Schaultz twins--Octavio, the steamy skinhead who's as hot bodied as he is hot headed, and Olivia, the girl with a dirty, little secret.

Everybody's got a role to play. What's yours?

----------------------------------------------

ROLES is unique in its seamless weaving of the real, the surreal, and the satirical. In the creation of the series, author Carlos Malvar drew inspirations from an unlikely source: the Roman Empire.

"The Roman Empire, at its peak, was the center of the arts and debauchery," Carlos Malvar wrote. "We cannot judge them by the current moral system we have; to them, things like orgies, bestiality, and murder, are all means to pursue the ultimate goal of Roman aspirations--Power. Much like high school. What we consider perverse is actually their norm. You have to fit in, or you get fed to the lions."

ROLES: A Not Quite Unreal Novel comes out this month in all major bookstores nationwide.


----------

*The Board will be more prominent in succeeding installments. Things have a way of unraveling gradually, almost seductively, like silk stockings off a young boy's neck, in the world of Not Quite Unreal.

** In some parallel universe, she had earlier dealt with a series of explainable deaths, hyped up by the media as The Blood Mary Murders.




--------------

Please repost, if possible. Thanks.

Good day, Team Siege!

Quick update on "ROLES: A Not Quite Unreal Novel": Pandayan Bookshop are now carrying ROLES. Though not all branches of National Bookstore have ROLES on their shelves right now, I heard that my book is definitely going to be available EVERYWHERE by the end of the week. Just to be safe, go this weekend for your copy of ROLES.

Also, please remember that it's CARLOS MALVAR, not Siege Malvar, that's listed on their database. :)

Oh, and my family and friends showed their support by using the Limited Edition "ROLES" Template on their Friendster profile. To download the css code, copy text file and paste it on to your Friendster's CSS editor. Come on, show some love. :) It's also available in Not Quite Totally Black Special Edition. Here's a sample of the Limited Edition: Chef Cazzie's Profile. Here's a sample of the Not Quite Totally Black Special Edition: Carlos Malvar's Profile. I'd really appreciate it if you can use the CSS codes to customize your Friendster profile.

Thanks!

Hay, sana tama na ang negativity sa blog ko. Honestly, nakakapagod din naman magpaka-tatag habang paligid-ligid ang mga langaw at iba pang uri ng wannabes. Akala nyo ba madali? Hindi naman po kasi enjoyable maging epicenter ng hate. I just make it look easy, pero struggle po talaga siya.

Tulad na lang ng previous entry ko. People have misread me once again, saying it's a hostile entry. It's not. Actually, kung babasahin, nagpapakumbaba nga ako dun and asking for suggestions on how to correct the misconception of people about me that I'm an arrogant jerk.



Tsaka, hindi po ito publicity for my new book, ha. Hindi po ito isang clever machination to generate buzz and attention in order to promote my new book. Hindi po talaga. Promise. Ako? Ganun ka clever? Hindi naman po siguro. Hindi naman po porque bigla akong nag-enroll sa isang free service to rank my blog in order to monitor my ranking--which jumped from 190+ to 90 overnight-- eh ibig sabihin I'm deliberately measuring the effectiveness of my publicity stunt. Nako, hindi po talaga.

Pero totoo pong may bago akong project. This aint no gossip, girl. Lalabas na po talaga sa lahat ng major bookstores nationwide ang "ROLES", the first book in the Not Quite Unreal series of novels for young adults.

Tsaka available nga po pala ang SIP magazine sa lahat ng Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf branches. May short story po ako dun, so get a copy kung pwede.

O ayan ha, sabi nga ni annani, I should let my work stand for themselves. Get copies of my work na lang siguro, and judge me by what I can do, by what I have done.

----------------------------

At, dahil hindi naman po ako madamot sa demographics, share ko sa inyo tong link to Fox Literary House. Local publisher po sila, and their initial releases offer some pretty interesting titles. Check out Fox Literary House, ok?

Someone left this comment on a previous entry:

i have been reading your blogs. masyado kang righteous the way you speak. ang yabang mo. esp. with that incident about fullybooked.

you may brand me too as low-level or something, i may not be a writer, but UP grad din ako. hindi din kita kilala personally. but the way you write, nakikita kasi ang personality mo. ang kapal ng hangin, usok, or whatever it is.

sorry for telling you, i was just provoked by your articles.

( To which I reply... )